It’s been more than two weeks since I’ve last written. The best news is surgery #1 was successful in evicting the cancer. We are so grateful to the surgical team at Georgetown University Lombardi Cancer Clinic/Oursman Breast Center. There are still some unknowns when it comes to treatment and the more extensive surgery #2, but no cancer is a great phrase to hear and write.
I should be in a very celebratory mood, right? I’m not. It’s strange this existence I’m inhabiting right now. The things that used to incite joy just don’t anymore. As a matter of fact, I can’t seem to find joy or contentment anywhere. What is wrong with me?
Luckily, I do have much more headspace for work, so that’s been a slight change for the better. Before the cancer was out, I worked but really just meandered through the day with limited brain capacity to think about anything other than Mrs. Koog and the “possible but not probable” outcome.
But as for my non-work life, I’d describe it as uncomfortable. Like the mental confusion and restlessness you feel after a major shock. Mrs. Koog asked me recently how I was doing and the only thing I could liken it to was the aftermath of a car accident. That shocked restlessness of not knowing what to do or where to go but having an overwhelming need to just flee.
I’m in a perpetual state of shocked restlessness. Meandering through the day doing the most basic chores almost obsessively. Recently, I’ve discovered my passion for cleaning the house. Bought a ridiculously expensive vac/mop/broom thing and am close to washing the finish off our bamboo floors. Everyday the Amazon truck drives up the driveway and deposits another box of cleaning supplies while I move down the items on my work list. On the positive side, our house has never looked better.
Proper football (soccer), Bravo, Sister Wives and Plathville used to be appointment television but I can’t even get excited about the premiere of the Real Housewives of Potomac, an Everton Game or Welcome to Wrexham. The closest thing to normal in this area is my FOMO about BravoCon in Vegas this past weekend. My friend and I had decided not to go BC (before cancer) but still suffering a bit of FOMO.
I do feel myself having an actual longing to be back in the UK. Not going back, but going back in time and reliving our days. I’m not someone that enjoys even a story about time travel, let alone ever sincerely craving to travel back in time myself. Am I having a breakdown?
Rage remains the one emotion I can count on to be ever present. It’s a heavy knapsack of undirected anger I carry around everywhere. It makes me very uncomfortable because I don’t know what to do with it or why it’s lingering. Honestly, I hate the constant grinding of teeth, squinting of eyes and verbal explosion never knowing what the next “we’ve been wronged” trigger will be or when. To be very clear, I’m not enraged with anyone nor have I had any newsworthy explosions. But I’ve been close. Luckily, I’ve always had the presence of mind to walk away.
It’s the shocked restlessness that has me really befuddled. The urge to flee somewhere is almost uncontrollable. I want to be anywhere but the place I am in, no matter where I am at any given moment. It’s not my family I want to flee from, just to be clear. Sometimes it’s at the micro-level like if I’m in the kitchen, I want to be in the basement. Once in the basement, I want to be outside and so on and so forth. But often it’s bigger, I want to leave the house, the state, the country. I just want to be somewhere where I am not, until I get there; then I don’t want to be there either.
There is a line in the musical RENT that seems to keep playing in my mind “I’m willin’/ illin’/ gotta get my sickness off/Gotta run/Gotta ride/Gotta gun/Gotta hide/Gotta go”.
I don’t have an illness as the RENT characters were talking about and for that I am very thankful. But it feels like I’m trying to run from something that is inside me and no matter where I go, there it is. That uncomfortable feeling of shocked restlessness is inescapable right now and I don’t know how to handle it.
I should be in a very celebratory mood, right? I’m not. It’s strange this existence I’m inhabiting right now. The things that used to incite joy just don’t anymore. As a matter of fact, I can’t seem to find joy or contentment anywhere. What is wrong with me?
Luckily, I do have much more headspace for work, so that’s been a slight change for the better. Before the cancer was out, I worked but really just meandered through the day with limited brain capacity to think about anything other than Mrs. Koog and the “possible but not probable” outcome.
But as for my non-work life, I’d describe it as uncomfortable. Like the mental confusion and restlessness you feel after a major shock. Mrs. Koog asked me recently how I was doing and the only thing I could liken it to was the aftermath of a car accident. That shocked restlessness of not knowing what to do or where to go but having an overwhelming need to just flee.
I’m in a perpetual state of shocked restlessness. Meandering through the day doing the most basic chores almost obsessively. Recently, I’ve discovered my passion for cleaning the house. Bought a ridiculously expensive vac/mop/broom thing and am close to washing the finish off our bamboo floors. Everyday the Amazon truck drives up the driveway and deposits another box of cleaning supplies while I move down the items on my work list. On the positive side, our house has never looked better.
Proper football (soccer), Bravo, Sister Wives and Plathville used to be appointment television but I can’t even get excited about the premiere of the Real Housewives of Potomac, an Everton Game or Welcome to Wrexham. The closest thing to normal in this area is my FOMO about BravoCon in Vegas this past weekend. My friend and I had decided not to go BC (before cancer) but still suffering a bit of FOMO.
I do feel myself having an actual longing to be back in the UK. Not going back, but going back in time and reliving our days. I’m not someone that enjoys even a story about time travel, let alone ever sincerely craving to travel back in time myself. Am I having a breakdown?
Rage remains the one emotion I can count on to be ever present. It’s a heavy knapsack of undirected anger I carry around everywhere. It makes me very uncomfortable because I don’t know what to do with it or why it’s lingering. Honestly, I hate the constant grinding of teeth, squinting of eyes and verbal explosion never knowing what the next “we’ve been wronged” trigger will be or when. To be very clear, I’m not enraged with anyone nor have I had any newsworthy explosions. But I’ve been close. Luckily, I’ve always had the presence of mind to walk away.
It’s the shocked restlessness that has me really befuddled. The urge to flee somewhere is almost uncontrollable. I want to be anywhere but the place I am in, no matter where I am at any given moment. It’s not my family I want to flee from, just to be clear. Sometimes it’s at the micro-level like if I’m in the kitchen, I want to be in the basement. Once in the basement, I want to be outside and so on and so forth. But often it’s bigger, I want to leave the house, the state, the country. I just want to be somewhere where I am not, until I get there; then I don’t want to be there either.
There is a line in the musical RENT that seems to keep playing in my mind “I’m willin’/ illin’/ gotta get my sickness off/Gotta run/Gotta ride/Gotta gun/Gotta hide/Gotta go”.
I don’t have an illness as the RENT characters were talking about and for that I am very thankful. But it feels like I’m trying to run from something that is inside me and no matter where I go, there it is. That uncomfortable feeling of shocked restlessness is inescapable right now and I don’t know how to handle it.
Yes..... ♥️
ReplyDeleteI think what you are feeling is anger at not being able to control the unknown. Cancer does this to us. All we can do is beat it together and the way we do this is love each other fiercely and turn that restlessness into action. The action should be something you absolutely love to do! It also helps to tell your partner what you are feeling. They may be feeling what you are and you two can work it out together. Be grateful for all you have and know that God will take care of you both!!
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