konfessions of the Koog

It’s been more than two weeks since I’ve last written. The best news is surgery #1 was successful in evicting the cancer. We are so grateful to the surgical team at Georgetown University Lombardi Cancer Clinic/Oursman Breast Center. There are still some unknowns when it comes to treatment and the more extensive surgery #2, but no cancer is a great phrase to hear and write. I should be in a very celebratory mood, right? I’m not. It’s strange this existence I’m inhabiting right now. The things that used to incite joy just don’t anymore. As a matter of fact, I can’t seem to find joy or contentment anywhere. What is wrong with me? Luckily, I do have much more headspace for work, so that’s been a slight change for the better. Before the cancer was out, I worked but really just meandered through the day with limited brain capacity to think about anything other than Mrs. Koog and the “possible but not probable” outcome. But as for my non-work life, I’d describe it as uncomfortable.

I’m sitting here in the surgical waiting room at Medstar Georgetown University (MGUH). So many of our friends and family offered to accompany me during this vigil. I couldn’t articulate why I needed to be alone, but I just felt like I needed to silently grieve what my wife was losing and I didn’t want to burden anyone with that heavy silence. When I am stressed, I write. Ever since I was a kid, words were always my source of comfort in times of crisis and they were my source of memory in times of fun and excitement. But today, a day when I have such acute feelings of sadness, grief and gratitude, I find I’ve lost my words. I thought about why this was as I wandered (read: got lost) the MGUH labyrinth of buildings in search of food. Finally finding the Chick-Fil-A, grabbing my food and swallowing my tears it hit me. I didn’t lose my vocabulary, there’s just so many layers to the sadness, fear and gratitude it's overwhelming and it's very close to the surface. Arriving at the

(Disclaimer: My thoughts are scattered these days. Trying to put together a coherent narrative is hard. Please be kind with any criticism of my rambling. These are my thoughts and feelings as I’m experiencing them in real-time.) I feel like I’m caught in a rip current of sadness and grief. It’s a funny thing, grief. It’s like an insidious wave of water just waiting to pull me from safety and stability. Lately, everything has become a trigger. EVERYTHING. Songs, leftovers in the fridge, memories, pictures, driving, soccer games, groceries…like I said, everything. We spent last weekend driving to and from upstate NY to return Momma-Koog home after watching the boys for us the prior weekend. I drove E-Koog, Mrs. Koog and Momma-Koog last Friday night. B-Koog, the newly minted Leader of his Scout Patrol, was at a Camporee last weekend. Anyway, we picked up E-Koog from school at lunchtime and got on the road for the 7 hour ride to the 518. About 25 miles into the drive, I bega

Entering Heathrow on our way back to the US from the UK, I’ve started scheming and plotting to get back as soon as possible. Mrs. Koog firmly told me as we boarded our flight home we should pay for the trip we were still ON before buying tickets to return. Her thriftiness is endearing...sometimes. Anyway, fast forward 3 1/2 weeks…Thursday, Sept 14, 2023 to be exact. I had been pleading our return to the UK case since before we were wheels-up at LHR, and I felt like we had moved her toward a "yes." The little Koogs had just left for school and we were watching the Today Show as I checked my work email and sipped my tea. The return itinerary was limited to 3 weeks and was only Ireland (Northern and Republic of) and, of course, my beloved Wales. I was giddy as Mrs. Koog was joining me in finding places to stay around the Emerald Isle, even sending me the VRBO link to a lighthouse for rent on Arranmore Island, where her people are from in County Donegal. Our exchange

Life is never dull with the Koog twins. Before we left for our summer vacation, Mrs. Koog and the boys stripped the wallpaper in their bathroom (a jack and Jill adjoining room with 2 sinks and then a toilet and shower behind a different door) and tore down drywall to prep for a pocket door. Upon further reflection based on degree of difficulty and time constraints, Mrs. Koog decided to outsource the pocket door installation. This morning, A, our neighbor and general contractor came over to survey what we need done and give us an estimate. Poor guy, after being sniffed head to toe from Betsy the dog, he had to endure my contracts call. Pretty sure he was not jealous of my job after listening to 10 seconds of that call. We enter the bathroom through E-Koog’s room because B-Koog’s room should be condemned by the health department. Once in the bathroom, we close the door to E’s room so A can take measurements. Nothing really out of the ordinary or strange at this point. Once A is don

Before Mrs. Koog came into my life I was like a piece of space junk orbiting the atmosphere, dangerously bumping into other junk. I wasn’t lost per se, I was just going around in a big circle. I thought I was in love with another woman, Island Girl, that lived outside of the US. Actually, she had just told me she was looking to move to the States when I met the Missus. We met online. It’s kind of funny, actually. A friend of mine saw the craziness of my orbit and took matters into her own hands. She signed me up for every online dating platform available in 2004. Match, Plenty of Fish, E-Harmony, even J-Date and I’m not Jewish! I was amused and mildly annoyed at my friend after telling her I met and liked Island Girl. I thought I’d taken all the profiles down and on Valentine’s Day 2005 I got an email. Except, I wasn’t there to receive it, I was on my way to visit Island Girl. After my visit I returned home to an email from this new girl. There was no photo. Ick. I’m self aware eno

How can we be going home when it feels like we just arrived? These magical 30 day gave us so many core memories and so many more laughs. The UK and the Republic of Ireland is an amazing place filled with just salt of the earth people. It’s cliche, but I’m going home changed. Not just because I have a raging rash from COVID, but because I feel like a piece of my heart will remain here, specifically North Wales, but the UK nonetheless. But, we have no time for long, sentimental goodbyes as we need to vacate the flat of 1000 steps by 10am! Our flight is not until 7pm, but considering the fragile health of the family we are going to Heathrow and relaxing there until it’s time to board. We have no energy to walk around outside with 5 suitcases and 4 backpacks. Our Airbnb host allowed us to leave our bags in the flat until 11 so we could get a bite to eat for breakfast before heading to LHR. We found a super cute al fresco breakfast cafe and bakery. Mrs. Koog and the boys had baked goods

Here we are, the last full day of our amazing UK holiday. Before leaving the US, we purchased ridiculously expensive (£750.00) tickets to the Harry Potter Studio Tour in Leavesden, just outside of London. They will not consider a refund and we were advised to just come anyway. B-Koog was on the upswing, I was not feverish and E and Mrs. Koog were healthy. So, we all donned masks, hailed a car and rode to Leavesden. The driver dropped us off in front of Warner Bros. Studio and we walked into the building. I started to feel very lightheaded and dizzy simultaneously, the alarms on both my phone and Apple Watch were blasting. Apparently due to the mask, my O2 levels were below 90%. We found a corner near the door and sat down so I could take some deep breaths. I enquired again about a refund since now I could not wear a mask without oxygen deprivation. Still no refund or even a credit for when we return next summer. So, I did my best…I had my mouth covered and kept my nose out and stayed

We woke up tied to the pier in Dover. Disembarkation day. I don’t have the best luck on debarkation day… The last time the boys and I had a disembarkation day was in NYC in April as the end of our spring break Caribbean Cruise. That fateful morning in April, E-Koog had been sick all night and Mrs. Koog was getting ready to head to the front desk to see if we could get off early so as to not spread norovirus among our co-travelers. The 5am conversation went like this: Mrs. Koog: “Koog, where are my pants?” Me (still in a sleep coma): “I don’t understand” Mrs. Koog: “I don’t have my pants. Where are my pants?” Me: “I don’t understand” Mrs. Koog (frantically searching drawers, closet, under beds and in backpacks): “I. DO. NOT. HAVE. PANTS. WHERE. ARE. MY. PANTS?” Me: “You don’t have pants?” Mrs. Koog (annoyed and amused) “Correct, I do not have pants.” So, as to not duplicate this conversation as we prepared to disembark this cruise, I have emergency pants for all of us hidden

Well, that was an exciting night! We got underway late due to some jack wagons at a pub about 500 yards from the ship that didn’t want their day to end. Not kidding, probably the 4 most disliked people on board. As soon as we pulled away from the dock and moved into the channel, it was game on. I was tracking the maritime forecast on an app and was pretty unnerved when I saw our course right through the red part of Storm Betty. Talking with Mrs. Koog tonight I mentioned the 15 foot waves. She clarified, the waves were 15 meters (45-ish feet). Now things started to make sense. That would explain how my stateroom on the 4th guest deck got hit with a wave. On deck 5, 2 or 3 cabins aft from mine had a glass pane shattered by the wave and they also lost a deck chair. The ship sounded like it was being pulled apart. I bet you are wondering if the kids were scared. Honestly, no. The Circle C kids club had some activities for them in the clubhouse. Each kid basically had a counselor that w

While the little Koogs slept soundly, sleep eluded me most of the night. The head cold/sinus situation got worse. I think I was feverish in the middle of the night due to the intense body aches. A few warm showers throughout the night seemed to help break the fever, and sometime after 4:30 am, I was finally free of body aches and sleeping. We were on our own today, so there were no crazy early wake-ups necessary for the three sleep deprived travelers. We slept in until approximately 8:15 (late for us) and leisurely got dressed and ready to head into Cobh. For those that don’t know, and I didn’t until I saw the itinerary for this trip, Cobh (pronounced Cove) is part of County Cork and about 25 miles-ish from the city. Looking outside from our balcony, the clouds were ominous but it was not too cold nor raining. Always prepared, we donned our waterproof pants, shoes/boots and rain jackets descended the 3 flights to disembark at beautiful Cobh. The security guy on the gangway made

For ease of reading, I will give you the pronunciation of Dun Laoghaire. It’s Dun Lerry. You are welcome. Well, we had a silent night last night! Seems like the switching of the beds was the trick for B-Koog. According to E-Koog he didn’t sleep for even 5 minutes. His very loud snorting told another story. As for me, I’ve now developed a head cold. So, while the night was silent it was not restful. First order of business once we get to Dublin is a pharmacy. I was up early as my throat felt like I swallowed knives and my nose felt like I’dstuffed my dirty laundry up in there. We have to tender from the ship to the port in Dun Laoghaire. To keep the gangways clear and safe, anyone going ashore has to have a boarding group. The instructions were to be at the main desk no earlier than 7:15 to queue up for the boarding tickets. Since I was awake, I headed downstairs to get ready to queue at 6:50. Good thing I did since they had just started to give out the boarding tickets. We ended u

Ah, again with the middle of the night shenanigans from B-Koog. Starting at 2 am and continuing hourly until approximately 6 am, he woke me up to tell me he was not sleeping. I am not friendly when awakened from a dead sleep. I was less friendly the 3rd time. Homicidal the 4th time. He and E-Koog are swapping beds tonight. I also gave him a dire warning about waking me up. Just don’t! I have not really slept in about 10 days and I’m very ornery and I control many things that make your life amazing. I can make it not amazing, also. E-Koog suggested we try to sell him, I’m not there yet. But I will reevaluate tomorrow. We were all up and ready by 9 and headed off the ship and into Liverpool. All 3 of us clad in Everton Blue! We received fist bumps and high fives from the port staff who also support the Blues! Apparently there is another team here in Liverpool besides the Blues, but we don’t speak their name. Our itinerary was touristy and trite, but I’ve waited a half century to do i

The middle of the night antics of the exhausted continued this morning at approximately 3:45 am. We each have our own twin bed in the stateroom. B-Koog’s is the convertible bed and is perpendicular to mine with his head closer to my head. For some reason, he felt compelled to check on me in the middle of the night. Like some strange proof of life was needed at 3:45am. His way of “not disturbing” me was to stare into my face to see if I was breathing. Nope, not creepy at all. I could feel someone/something looking at me. When I am startled awake, I swing in whatever direction the startle was felt. B-Koog almost got it in the head! Luckily, I was able to stop mid-swing. His response? “Why did you almost hit me? I was just staring at you while you slept to see if you were awake.” You lucked out, kid. Talk with Mrs. Koog about the near misses she’s lived through! Back to sleep we all went until 8am when the alarm went off to begin our day at Giant’s Causeway. Both boys were exhausted and

The day started at about 3:30am with B-Koog gently waking me because he had some pain in his legs. I asked him what kind of pain and he said they felt like they were on fire, as did his eyes. At first, not keenly awake yet, I was worried. He then explained that he used approximately 3 gallons of Tiger Balm on his legs and, forgetting to wash his hands, he touched his eyes. I did something similar once with Zostrix. It’s made from capsaicin pepper. I didn’t know this when I slathered it all over my legs, feet and because I was not thinking, my face and eyes. My entire body felt like I was on fire. My poor guy had the same thing last night. His legs and eyes were bright red and he probably would have cried if he had any moisture in his eyes for tears! I hosed him down in a cool shower, eyes and all. He felt better and we quickly fell back to sleep. We had a more proper wake up around 8:30 when my bagpipe music phone alarm rang. Each of us got up easily and ran to the balcony to see the