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Idle Hands are the Devil's Playground

Since injuring my arm at Kayak practice in January, I've become porky. The Girlfriend blames a fast food company that shall remain McNameless, since, as I said before, I hate being sued. At one point in time, I was consuming 3 egg muffins for breakfast and 2 BigMc's (ha) and a 1/4 pound burger with cheese for dinner. The Girlfriend made me stop, not because of my waistline, but because of my cholesterol. We agreed that I would give up the Mc for good.

This McAddiction is a funny thing. There are no 12 step programs, there are no McMethadone clinics and there is no McAnonymous to help us. And there are no sympathetic friends trying to help you fight your 2-all-beef-pattys,-special-sauce-lettuce-cheese-pickles-onions-on-a-sesame-seed-bun demons.

I believe it's been said that idle hands are the Devil's playground. Last night my buddy came over to drop off the dog I'm dog sitting for a few days and we decided to go to dinner. The evil temptress that she is, she suggested we eat at the Mc. The devil was not in a blue dress this time, but in tan shorts and a yellow "Miami" t-shirt.

I could hear the disappointment in the Girlfriends voice as I accepted the temptresses offer. My mouth watering and sweating I entered my McCrack house. I went to my dealer and ordered my poison; the above referenced 2-all-beef-pattys and a 1/4 pound burger with cheese and with a medium fry on the side.

OHMYGOD, there was a hiccup in the fullfillment. One of the burger boxes was for a Cinnamon Bun. "I didn't order a Cinnamon Bun," I say sternly to my dealer. Ready to take her to the mat, I shake at the prospect of not getting my fatty-beef fix. The dealer explains that they've run out of the proper boxes, but my requested hit is in this inappropriate container. Calmed, I feel better instantly.

With my tray full of goodies, we find a seat among the other McJunkies. Pictures of the redheaded clown are everywhere. I open my first "box of rain" and bite it. I house this burger violently until I've consumed the whole thing and then do to the same to the next. Now finished, I am both happily satiated and longing for more, but I can see her face in my mind. Her blue eyes filled with disappointment by my long and hard fall off the wagon.

I go home and go to sleep. All is well until about 4am. I get a case of the "Julia Roberts." While many of you will not understand this reference, suffice it to say I spent much time on my porcelain confessional pouring my "heart" out.

Someone, please hear my cry for help and get me the only thing out there for McJunkies such as I: the DVD of SuperSize Me.

Comments

  1. AnonymousFriday, August 12, 2005 4:32:00 PM

    Hey Kooger,
    You might want to try watching the DVD: Super Size Me.
    Amy

    ReplyDelete

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